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I don’t know if it was because I was carrying a child from a man I had loved for so long or if it was guilt, but I just knew I had to keep our son. I chased him out of embarrassment for how others would see me. I think the hardest part of this five-year ordeal was accepting that my perspective of reality was just a fantasy I had created in my mind. But when he blocked me from his life, leaving our son fatherless, that pedestal came crashing down, smashing every dream and every good feeling I had for him. It might sound harsh, but that’s just the way life is.

And even though my ex’s only consistency in life was his pattern of not raising his children, I blindly believed he would raise child. But every time he left I chased him because it was the only thing I knew how to do. The possibility that people would think I wasn’t worthy enough for him after I got pregnant was more than I could handle. For the longest time I held on to this idea of love and my ex. It was hard to walk up to my friends and say, “You were right.” It was even harder to come to terms with the reality that he is less than perfect. The result would’ve been the same: him out the door. Loving someone who doesn’t love us back, or even worse, someone who loves someone else, is the most painful thing in the world.

The Class of 2014 arrived from across journalistic disciplines, and from a wide range of backgrounds*, as you’ll see in this academic year’s meet-the-fellows post.

As the current Niemans settle in to the spring term, get to know them and their work: From California to Israel, they tell stories about science, failure, corruption, street violence, music, race, the economy, freedom.

While everyone told me he was going to bail again, I vouched for him. And most importantly: I chased him because I was emotionally sick. Part of me hates myself for holding on for so long. It took me years to accept that his actions had nothing to do with me. But the most important thing we can do for ourselves is accept that certain things are beyond our control and take responsibility for the things that are.

I broke off friendships and I fought with those who dared to accuse his character. From the moment I told him, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to come through for me. Although I was able to pull him in a couple more times after my son was born, only to be pushed away weeks later, I still held on to hope that one day he was going to wake up and realize he loved me. I could have saved myself years of heartache and gallons of tears if I had just accepted that I couldn’t make him love me. Just like my uncontrollable behavior and emotional instability was beyond him, his actions were about him and him only. We need to listen to that inner voice that tells us we deserve to be loved. That person you’re waiting on won’t wake up one day and realize they loved you all along.

She launched Daily Beast TV for , and helped oversee the Women in the World Summit.

She has worked for MTV and for the ABC reality show “Wife Swap,” and most recently was the editorial producer on Katie Couric’s talk show, “Katie.” Her honors include an Edward R.


I spent another year trying to force him to be a dad. He then had his third child with another woman in his late twenties, and then he had our son in his mid thirties. We can’t complain about someone hurting our feelings if we keep letting them.

It’s the difference between playing and watching a game of chess.


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